I'm doing this for me

That's it. I've had enough. Enough wallowing. Enough fear. Enough of everything.

I've managed to exist in a state of fear for about seven years now. A constant, unending, unnerving state of dread. Dread that I will fail, fear that I will lose everything, gut wrenching "oh shit" moments that this is my life. The worst of which has been the past three years in a relationship (if you can call it that), which caused me nothing but pain.

But I'm done. I'm packing up my bags and heading to a state of "take no prisoners".

My life, as I know it now, is by far the most fulfilling place I have been thus far. Despite my lack of job, my slowly mending broken heart and my unfinished thesis I do believe I am legitimately happy. I have love, someone to come home to, and friends that would easily throw themselves under the bus for me.

But happy is hard to enjoy when you still have a festering sore o' doom in your chest from the last one who ripped you open. I guess what it comes down to is closure.

Closure.

I want the X to call and apologize for breaking my heart consistently for three years. I want to hear "I'm sorry" from her lips. But then again, who am I to ask for her to apologize? To expect her, after three years and six breakups later, to be an adult and say what most human's would say without prodding.

And of course, I am party to her torture. I let it happen for three years. I was so afraid of losing her and her hurricane that I let her play with me. It was I, who let her yank my heart strings from here to Timbuktu, without a peep. Had I been the one to say enough is enough, I'd feel vindicated–the owner of the last punch thrown. But instead, I am once again KOed.

So I'll say it now! Enough is enough. I can't be afraid of something not worth losing, even if that means we never speak again. And maybe, just maybe, once that wound heals itself, I will be able to find my inner strength that I lost long ago, amid turmoil and lost loves.

Its time to take action.

Mark my words. In six months you won't even recognize this girl. And I think that will be a very very good thing.