1. Didn't get drunk once.
2. Managed to almost quit smoking. I'm down to 1 a day basically.
3. Got a job offer.
4. Made a huge batch of pesto
5. Made two batches of sauerkraut. One red and one green. Now they just have to ferment.
6. Worked out four days in a row.
7. Started Rugby
8. Had a killer interview with an even better job than the job offer.
9. Made progress on the thesis
10. Went to bed before midnight many many nights in a row.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
the beast howls in my veins
Just a mere three weeks after my last post and here I am.
Battered. War torn. Exhausted.
Whoever has likened love to that of war games wasn't lying. I'm not exactly clean in this game either (to say the least).
Updates:
TNG and I are kaput. For real. For a good while I think. She left for nine days yesterday and I felt so empty. I made a bad decision (or five) and it resulted in the true ending. Why? Well, it became clear to me that every day I spend with her I still feel alone. She's never actually there. She's physically present, and exists of course, but is never actually engaged in the relationship. Ever. And that is hard when she is present, but when she leaves town what happens is that I feel empty. And even more alone. But more "sen dep tank" alone once she leaves. When she isn't present while she is here it leaves me with a sense of dread. A deep longing for more. And I am kept here by small glances, a lucky kiss or two, or a night of cuddling. (All infrequent things, but they still occur). But when she leaves, its worse. Unbearable. And there is nothing to keep me going.
This time she said "You're a child." "I don't respect you." "You bore me." "Grow up." "You party too much." "You are a waste of my time."
Good, kind words.
What kills me is that its not me who can't communicate. Its not me who avoids any conversation of an emotional nature. Its her. In my opinion that shows a true lack of depth to maturity.
The X sometimes still haunts me. 7 months later and I still, sometimes, find it all to be unbearable. Its better than it has been, but its certainly not always easy to manage. No matter how much I rationalize everything, I still miss her.
And one of these days....I'll be ok again.
Battered. War torn. Exhausted.
Whoever has likened love to that of war games wasn't lying. I'm not exactly clean in this game either (to say the least).
Updates:
TNG and I are kaput. For real. For a good while I think. She left for nine days yesterday and I felt so empty. I made a bad decision (or five) and it resulted in the true ending. Why? Well, it became clear to me that every day I spend with her I still feel alone. She's never actually there. She's physically present, and exists of course, but is never actually engaged in the relationship. Ever. And that is hard when she is present, but when she leaves town what happens is that I feel empty. And even more alone. But more "sen dep tank" alone once she leaves. When she isn't present while she is here it leaves me with a sense of dread. A deep longing for more. And I am kept here by small glances, a lucky kiss or two, or a night of cuddling. (All infrequent things, but they still occur). But when she leaves, its worse. Unbearable. And there is nothing to keep me going.
This time she said "You're a child." "I don't respect you." "You bore me." "Grow up." "You party too much." "You are a waste of my time."
Good, kind words.
What kills me is that its not me who can't communicate. Its not me who avoids any conversation of an emotional nature. Its her. In my opinion that shows a true lack of depth to maturity.
The X sometimes still haunts me. 7 months later and I still, sometimes, find it all to be unbearable. Its better than it has been, but its certainly not always easy to manage. No matter how much I rationalize everything, I still miss her.
And one of these days....I'll be ok again.
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