1. Didn't get drunk once.
2. Managed to almost quit smoking. I'm down to 1 a day basically.
3. Got a job offer.
4. Made a huge batch of pesto
5. Made two batches of sauerkraut. One red and one green. Now they just have to ferment.
6. Worked out four days in a row.
7. Started Rugby
8. Had a killer interview with an even better job than the job offer.
9. Made progress on the thesis
10. Went to bed before midnight many many nights in a row.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
the beast howls in my veins
Just a mere three weeks after my last post and here I am.
Battered. War torn. Exhausted.
Whoever has likened love to that of war games wasn't lying. I'm not exactly clean in this game either (to say the least).
Updates:
TNG and I are kaput. For real. For a good while I think. She left for nine days yesterday and I felt so empty. I made a bad decision (or five) and it resulted in the true ending. Why? Well, it became clear to me that every day I spend with her I still feel alone. She's never actually there. She's physically present, and exists of course, but is never actually engaged in the relationship. Ever. And that is hard when she is present, but when she leaves town what happens is that I feel empty. And even more alone. But more "sen dep tank" alone once she leaves. When she isn't present while she is here it leaves me with a sense of dread. A deep longing for more. And I am kept here by small glances, a lucky kiss or two, or a night of cuddling. (All infrequent things, but they still occur). But when she leaves, its worse. Unbearable. And there is nothing to keep me going.
This time she said "You're a child." "I don't respect you." "You bore me." "Grow up." "You party too much." "You are a waste of my time."
Good, kind words.
What kills me is that its not me who can't communicate. Its not me who avoids any conversation of an emotional nature. Its her. In my opinion that shows a true lack of depth to maturity.
The X sometimes still haunts me. 7 months later and I still, sometimes, find it all to be unbearable. Its better than it has been, but its certainly not always easy to manage. No matter how much I rationalize everything, I still miss her.
And one of these days....I'll be ok again.
Battered. War torn. Exhausted.
Whoever has likened love to that of war games wasn't lying. I'm not exactly clean in this game either (to say the least).
Updates:
TNG and I are kaput. For real. For a good while I think. She left for nine days yesterday and I felt so empty. I made a bad decision (or five) and it resulted in the true ending. Why? Well, it became clear to me that every day I spend with her I still feel alone. She's never actually there. She's physically present, and exists of course, but is never actually engaged in the relationship. Ever. And that is hard when she is present, but when she leaves town what happens is that I feel empty. And even more alone. But more "sen dep tank" alone once she leaves. When she isn't present while she is here it leaves me with a sense of dread. A deep longing for more. And I am kept here by small glances, a lucky kiss or two, or a night of cuddling. (All infrequent things, but they still occur). But when she leaves, its worse. Unbearable. And there is nothing to keep me going.
This time she said "You're a child." "I don't respect you." "You bore me." "Grow up." "You party too much." "You are a waste of my time."
Good, kind words.
What kills me is that its not me who can't communicate. Its not me who avoids any conversation of an emotional nature. Its her. In my opinion that shows a true lack of depth to maturity.
The X sometimes still haunts me. 7 months later and I still, sometimes, find it all to be unbearable. Its better than it has been, but its certainly not always easy to manage. No matter how much I rationalize everything, I still miss her.
And one of these days....I'll be ok again.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
On the X and her apology
I quote:
"I abandoned you and didn't know everything about everything".
Well how about them apples?
It was a long, drawn out conversation that oscillated from "I'm sorry" to "Oh shit did I really do those things to to?" And it feels like I may have finally received closure.
As for TNG, things are still confusing. I'm still crushed. And I am still breathing.
But more on that later.
"I abandoned you and didn't know everything about everything".
Well how about them apples?
It was a long, drawn out conversation that oscillated from "I'm sorry" to "Oh shit did I really do those things to to?" And it feels like I may have finally received closure.
As for TNG, things are still confusing. I'm still crushed. And I am still breathing.
But more on that later.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
heartbreak
The TNG left me. With nary an explanation besides "I don't think we are compatible".
I'm crushed.
Nothing eloquent to say. Just utterly battered.
Back to the drawing board.
I'm crushed.
Nothing eloquent to say. Just utterly battered.
Back to the drawing board.
Friday, July 2, 2010
grab your partner
In a show of "I can do this", I decided to go out last night and enjoy myself. I've spent the past week or so moping around the house and feeling downright ridiculous. Moping why? No reason. At all. As I said, ridiculous.
I made my way to the local country bar and decided to attempt (for only the second time) two-stepping. Now two-stepping isn't exactly the most elegant form of dance but hot damn was it fun. I also managed to line dance quite a bit, and it turns out all those years of modern, ballet, jazz, etc were quite useful and that learning the steps was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be.
Now why is any of this of interest to the blogosphere? (oh god I just said that word) Because it proved to me that I can go out, have a beer or two, and hang out with friends without feeling like a complete and total utter failure. I made a few new friends, figured out some steps, and had a damn good time and nary a hangover to show for it.
My last post, in all of its cryptic glory, still has yet to be resolved. I feel...adrift. Emotionally speaking. I am trying my damndest to figure out what's next and to keep my head on my shoulders without losing it.
I made my way to the local country bar and decided to attempt (for only the second time) two-stepping. Now two-stepping isn't exactly the most elegant form of dance but hot damn was it fun. I also managed to line dance quite a bit, and it turns out all those years of modern, ballet, jazz, etc were quite useful and that learning the steps was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be.
Now why is any of this of interest to the blogosphere? (oh god I just said that word) Because it proved to me that I can go out, have a beer or two, and hang out with friends without feeling like a complete and total utter failure. I made a few new friends, figured out some steps, and had a damn good time and nary a hangover to show for it.
My last post, in all of its cryptic glory, still has yet to be resolved. I feel...adrift. Emotionally speaking. I am trying my damndest to figure out what's next and to keep my head on my shoulders without losing it.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
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